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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 68
The Mafia Gazette Issue 68 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Monday 19th December 'CAPO GUNNED DOWN ' Capo GraveDespair was today gunned down as he left his headquarters. A brief gunfight saw the Capo and an undisclosed number of his bodyguards dead while the killer escaped. Police say they are looking for a man of medium build who was seen shortly before the shooting lurking around the outside of the Capo’s home. Also, in a brief statement, Dr Crippin, the Chief Medical Examiner stated that GraveDespair had been shot several times, twice in the throat. He also said a note had been tucked in the pocket of the dead man’s coat that read: “Don’t speak out of turn and never massacre my family again. This was for the Hoffas.” Police are baffled as to who the killer was, but it is believed that with the note, it was a retribution killing for the recent massacre of the Hoffa Industries family. 'MYSTERY CRIME LORD STRIKES AGAIN ' The mysterious crime lord known only as Miroslav Vienti as struck again in Chicago. A gunfight ensued earlier outside the offices of the Gazette, which saw several killed and Vienti is named as being one of the shooters in the bloodbath. During the fight, a stray shot hit the Editor CarmelaDeAngelis-Giunta nearly killing her. After several hours in the hospital, she was allowed back to the office where she found a note waiting for her, which read: “You were shot by Miroslav. He said it was no bad thing that his gun missed and hit you. He doesn’t want you printing any more stories about him.” The person who delivered the note, a citizen, stated that he was paid a large sum of money by a third party after being contacted in one of the coffee shops and asked to pass the note on. He would not reveal the name of the person paying the money, but said that they too were a citizen in the community. It would appear that the mysterious crime lord has money to burn if he pays messengers to carry notes of this type. Police and the Gazette would like to know the identity of the shadowy Miroslav Vienti and a reward is being offered for any information leading to the unmasking of this dangerous man, 'MISS MAFIA CROWN STOLEN ' Around noon today police were called to the Miss Mafia contest currently taking place in the streets. It appears that the crown to be awarded to the winner was stolen although the identity of the thief is as yet a mystery. The crown was not stolen for long however and was soon discovered resting on the head of Vanity. This Miss Mafia contest is becoming a hard-fought over title with none of the grace and élan of the previous contest won by our very own editor CarmelaDeAngelis. This time there have been scuffles breaking out with fights over the throne and a bill for damages already being issued to one of the contestants. Votes have been pouring in, although a suspicious amount have the same name, in crayon, scribbled on them. We have yet to see the final line-up of the lovelies who will be competing for the title as yet as contestants are still entering, but we will keep you up to date on all the events happening at the contest as we have them. 'SIGN HERE FOR BONUS ' By: MasonGrey In an era where money is pouring out of the pockets of Mafioso’s everywhere, it is getting tough to find people who still run and operate on honour and integrity, rather than the pure love for green. It is no doubt, that money is one of the biggest life sources for the families of our streets, but there comes a point when the love for money can corrupt even the best of leaders. In my opinion, this is a dangerous truth, and one not to be forgotten. Recently there was a crew who was recruiting by offering 100k to sign up. On top of this, guys who were recruiting were also receiving 100k per person that actually joined. Our reporter was asked on three separate occasions to join. Where's the honour in this? Some say if you have the money, spend it. Some say it's totally honest to recruit that way. Sure it might be an honest way to build a crew, but it's no way to build an honest crew. This crew is no longer doing this, but it's not the first time that a crew has and it won't be the last. Sooner or later, some rich Street Boss with an idea to take over is going to pull this again. People of the streets need to be aware of what can happen when money is the main motivation for everything. Think about it; if a person joins a crew for money, they will do anything. Let's stand up against this nonsense. Honour, respect, and loyalty are what a crew should be built with, not money. 'WEDDING FEVER HITS ' Getting married seems to be the new trend in the community with two weddings recently, another publicly announced in the streets and whispers of a fourth one in the wings. It would appear that despite all the dangers involved in the publicity, many Mafioso want to tie the knot and become married, albeit for a brief time, to their Mobster or Moll of choice. Marriage is an institution that people seem to be entering into quite lightly these days without though for the consequences should one or other of the pairing be killed. This was shown recently with the marriage of Frances and Trevor, a brief, amusing affair with a great party afterwards, but the bride shot dead today leaving a grieving Trevor to pick up the pieces. Some marriages do last for a while longer however, but the daily risk involved is great. If both parties are willing to accept those risks though, we will probably see the marriage trend continuing. 'LETTERS PAGE ' Dear Carmela, Well since it’s almost my bedtime I thought I'd indulge you with a little bedtime story, all right? So here we go! Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl who was new to these streets. And then there was some retard who could barely tie his shoes much less form an intelligent thought in his thick skull. Well this little girl was wandering down the street, and all the sudden she's getting shot at! Well what does she do? She hides, girl scout training and all that. Well she manages to call one of her mommy's old friends and they shoot the fucker. The little girl then skips on for tea and crumpets at a lovely bar. Moral of the story? Don't fucking shoot brand new people to these streets. You never fucking know who they are friends with. Then don’t have your god damn offspring mail the person they shot for no reason and start insulting them, and if that's your big plan of action at least spell bitch correctly. Jesus, nothing pisses me off more than being insulted than being insulted with poor grammar and spelling at the same time. Well, there’s my rant for the day. Not my best work, but I'm sure this week will get better. The Holidays are getting closer so I can only imagine the horror I'll have to deal with. Love always, Cooter J. Poo 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Ladies and Gentlemen, the Management of Starry Dreamer Enterprises is proud to present a Double Grand Opening of Glitz and Glamour in the Town where Show Business was born, Los Angeles! For those who don’t know, Starry Dreamer is an Entertainment Company, established to provide what many bar Owners know all too well is lacking, namely talent! We are continually striving to unearth those with the genuine ability to entertain. No ability or talent will go unseen and we have many young hopefuls on our books and are looking for many more. Our acts will perform at any Venue around the Country with enough advanced notice and to mark this inaugural opening we have 3 very special performances lined up in the latest Club to open its doors in Los Angeles, Furio’s. Located as it is on North Highland Avenue, it is very much at the heart of the Hollywood Community. Further press releases will be made confirming the final appearance dates, but the opening act will see the beautiful Miss BarbieDahl take to the stage for your listening and viewing pleasure in what will be her debut act. Following on from this we will have CensoredToo as our featured comedian. This young man is no stranger to the stage and will be following on in his fathers foot-steps in what promises to be a great show!! There won’t be a dry eye in the house as he outlines his life experiences in an attempt to complete a remarkable rags to riches tale. He expects it all and tomatoes have not been ruled out should his performance fail you!!! And finally we have a man for whom a lot of words have been used to describe. “Genius.” “The Devil himself.” “Tortured Soul.” “A poignant Young Man.” His name is Randle McMurphy and he will be playing the classics for you on the third night of this Entertainment Extravaganza on the in-house Piano. Need a hot act? Birthday Entertainment for your Boss? Bookings? Have you got Talent? Starry Dreamer Enterprises wants to hear from YOU!! Contact Albert-Neri or Starry Dreamer’s PR Manager TheReddeH for further information. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Furio’s Franchise is currently seeking able associates to work in and around the LA Bar. Positions that need filling include a Bar Manager, a Bar-man and security staff. Contact Albert-Neri for an application form. We are an equal Opportunities Employer. We don’t really like anyone. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Are you looking for a Pic for your ID? Need something to show the world who you really are? Come on over to the Pic Place in Chicago for all your pic needs. Everything is free. Just mail CarmelaDeAngelis for details and to put in your request. Gallery of Pics done available. Just ask to see a catalogue of completed works. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '